Good evening, readers. It is my goal tonight to take you on a journey with my words, so just read with an open mind and hold your thoughts until the end.
I want you to imagine that you're sitting in a restaurant planning to order dinner, and you are really hungry after work. It's been a few minutes since you arrived, so you try to be patient while you wait for service. Five minutes pass, and then five more, and still nobody has acknowledged your presence. You are getting frustrated and angry. Why won't anyone take your order? Everyone else has food, and they look really happy. You see people start to point at you and whisper. "What's wrong with her?" you can almost hear them saying. Finally, a server approaches and says hello. You greet her politely and request a menu. She gasps, as if the request is highly abnormal. "And just what makes you think you can order whatever you want? I don't even know if I like you enough to serve you food yet. I'll come back shortly and let you know if I've decided to get you a menu." She walks away in a huff and you're left confused. How did all these other people get food around here? Maybe there's a better server to talk to. Your stomach growls and you flag down the next server you see, only to have nearly the same conversation. Now you're seriously baffled and you're just about to leave the restaurant when another patron approaches you with pity in her eyes.
"My dear," the woman begins "I noticed that you are having a hard time getting some dinner. I remember what that was like, and I'm here to help." Ok, sure, let's see what she has to say. "Sweetie" she continues in a condescending tone "The waitstaff doesn't want to serve you food because you directly asked them to. That comes across as desperate, and makes them lose interest in waiting on you. If you want some dinner, you have to sit here nonchalantly and pretend you don't care about dinner. As soon as they see that you don't want any food, you'll be able to get anything on the menu." You stare at her puzzled and silently wonder exactly how many glasses of Merlot she's had tonight. "Just stop asking for food and sit here quietly acting like you don't care. When you least expect it, someone will give you a menu." She returns to her seat and shares a smug laugh with her companion.
As she walks away, you just roll your eyes in disbelief. What kind of sick joke is this? You decide it's time to escalate the situation. You see the manager and call her over to complain about the lack of service. "Yes, ma'am" the manager replies coldly "I have noticed you here for awhile, and I wanted to let you know that your demands of my staff are unreasonable and unacceptable. You are welcome to stay and wait until one of my servers becomes interested in providing food for you, but you have to stop acting so hungry. When you can act like you don't need food, they will all want to wait on you."
The manager walks away, mumbling insults, and you are simply enraged. Since when is it such a social sin to ask for exactly what you want and need? Why should you have to lie, play mind games, and waste your time like this? You decide you've had enough and leave the restaurant, feeling angry and defeated. "F*#k it!" you proclaim with a shake of your head. "I don't need anyone else to cook for me. I'll just do it at home by myself. It will be lonely, but at least I'm guaranteed to get some dinner tonight if I do it myself."
And that, my friends, is why straight up honest single people masturbate so damn much. Boom. ;)